20 Untold Triathlon Training Facts

– Are there universal
triathlon training truths? (whoosh sound) As a matter of fact, no-one
really knows how we end up back at the starting point at all. (whoosh sound) – That’s a lot of boob. A lot of boob– (whoosh sound) – Morning, trainiacs. You know, a lot of
triathlon gurus out there talk about how they’ve got
the secret to making us all better triathletes. Dial up your volume. Nail your nutrition plan. Zone in on your FTP. Hold your race pace. Figure out your sweat rate. Get a swim stroke analysis. Perfect your running form. And on and on. But what they don’t talk about
are the universal triathlon training truths that apply
to every single one of us. So today, we are going
to talk about the untold triathlon training tips that
you have yet to hear about. (bicycle chain rattling) For starters, any time
that you are out on a bike, there is always a headwind. Always. You turn around, the wind
turns around with you. The wind hates you and you hate the wind. It’s just nature. (bicycle braking) Training is really overrated. Just buy a more expensive
bike and a cupboard full of supplements. Everyone looks good in
a one-piece trisuit. Everyone. Everyone also looks good in a speedo. Carb loading is essential
exactly 15 minutes before every run. I recommend a full chocolate cake. Before and after. Having fun and just finishing? It’s not good enough. If you don’t win your first
triathlon, it’s probably a pretty good indication
that you should just give up. (bicycle chain squeaking) Your first race should be a full Ironman, nothing more, nothing less. Sprints are for people
that are out of shape. Remember, you played football
in high school 25 years ago. You’re an athlete. You shouldn’t train any
longer than two weeks before your first event. Any more than that and
you’re risking injury. You should be going all
out during the swim. Slap that water like it owes you money. Don’t worry about proper
form, your sleek new one-piece trisuit and speedo is doing
90% of the work anyway. Proper running form? Also overrated. If you don’t sound like a herd
of water buffalo stampeding towards the horizon, you’re
doing something wrong. Your first ride should be at least 200 K. If you’re peeing blood by the end of it, that’s a great sign. (bicycle chain rattling) Why in the world would you
spend 50 dollars on a proper bike fit when you can just
Google it and do it yourself? Your body will adjust to all
the measurements and pain that you go through. (scraping) Swimming is the least important
part of triathlon training. If you get tired, you can just float. You’re best off to use a really
high gear when going uphill, no more than about 16 cadence per minute. All the competitors passing
you will be really impressed. Despite the laws of physics,
all races are entirely uphill. No downhills at all. As a matter of fact, no-one
really knows how we end up back at the starting point at all. Science is working on it. (bicycle chain rattling) After your first sprint triathlon,
best off to tell everyone you did an Ironman. Nobody knows the
difference and you’ll sound way cooler anyway. (bicycle chain rattling) Carbon fiber is to bikes
what racing stripes or flames are to a car. Just its mere presence adds speed. What works for one triathlete
works for all triathletes. You know Kevin? The guy in your office that
restocks the vending machines? He wears ProTrainer 2000X running shoes and has done three triathlons. You need those running
shoes, no matter how painful they feel in the store. If you get tired, it’s best
just to give up immediately. Actually, now that I think
about it, you should probably just give up now before
you even try, to save face. The more colorful your socks
are, the faster you go. It’s as consistent as gravity. And finally, well thought-out
systematic periodized professional training plans,
like those you can find at triathlontaren.com/coaching
aren’t nearly as effective as doing it yourself. Or doing what Kevin says, Kevin’s awesome. And he gave you that free
bag of chips that one time. And that concludes the very first episode of Untold Triathlon Training Tips. Huge shout-out to trainiac Steven Cody, who gave us all those tips. Good man, Steven, good man. Shout it out! Now we go for a brick workout. ‘Cause Kevin told me to. ♫ What we do here is go
back back back back… (intense electronic music) Traniacs, that was… A 50-minute bike, 25 K down on the bike, and then an 11-minute run done
at a 353 per kilometer pace, which is around six, 613
per mile for 2.8 kilometers. Just wanted to see how much
snap I had in the legs. Apparently I’ve got some! I didn’t think I had a sub-four
minute kilometer in me. Alright, dinner time with Kim. Sushi burrito. The game has been changed. How’s your sushi burrito? – It’s a burrito of sushi. – It’s a burrito of sushi. Nothing to write home about so far. Damn healthy flavors, not having flavor. That was an unfortunate swing and a miss. – Oh yeah. Did not enjoy that at all. – We actually have to go
for second dinner now. Dessert. – All that? – Yeah, that’s great, thank you. – Breastfeeding without
covering her baby or her boob? – Breastfeeding without
covering her baby or her boob? – That’s a lot of boob. A lot of boob in that
gluten-free restaurant. – I think I can end the vlog now. – Wife talkin’ about boobs! – Wife talkin’ about boobs,
I was very disappointed in that supper, I didn’t
know which way was up. Now, that gluten-free vegan deliciousness that we ended the day with? (whistles) I’m happy now. I am happy. – You guys don’t know what a dessert slash sugar junkie he is. – Now you do.
– Now you do.

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