SPC-169-J The Big One | Megalodon class | Joke / aquatic / shark punching center SCP


Item #: SPC-169 Object Class: Megalodon Shark Punching Contingencies: Due to its immense
size, direct punching of SPC-169 will prove impractical. As such, Project Ahab has been established
for the full-scale pugilization of SPC-169. Project Ahab consists of simultaneous Dreadnought-class
punchery from five separate sources in the southern Atlantic Ocean: Ahab-1 “Fist of Neptune”: 50 satellites currently
located in stationary orbit over critical points of SPC-169’s anatomy. These satellites are capable of releasing
100kg tungsten-osmium sculptures of fists into Earth’s atmosphere, which will use the
natural acceleration of Earth’s gravity to punch SPC-169 at terminal velocity. Ahab-2 “Fist of Triton”: Ten volleys of 20
intercontinental ballistic missiles modified for shark-punching purposes with Kaiju-grade
Doomfist tips. Ahab-3 “Fist of Calypso”: Two-stage operation
in which Megara-277EA92R (a van-sized asteroid in an L4 orbit around the Earth) is 1. implanted with several boxing gloves, and
2. magnetized directly onto SPC-169. Ahab-4 “Fist of Cthulhu”: 500 modified drilling
rigs will be installed on the exterior of SPC-169 for the purpose of applying continuous
punching action over the course of several years. Ahab-5 “Fist of Nemo”: [DATA EXPUNGED] will
be trained in bareknuckle boxing techniques and summoned to challenge SPC-169 to fisticuffs. Description: SPC-169 is the largest shark
ever encountered by the Shark Punching Center, believed to be between 2,000 and 8,000 km
in length. Radar analysis has detected a hardened outer
carapace, indications of a state of dormancy, and, unfortunately, a complete lack of exterior
indications of punching. SPC-169 is believed to have existed since
the Pre-Cambrian era. Due to the ethical ramifications of a shark
having remained unpunched for that long, Project Ahab is to be executed as soon as possible. Addendum 1 – Shark Identification Discrepancies:Dr. Swayze: Sir, we have reason to believe
that SPC-169 is not a shark. Administrator: Explain. Dr. Swayze: SPC-169 has an exoskeleton, as
well as multiple sets of limbs and feelers. In truth, I believe SPC-169 is a very large
arthropod. Administrator: Interesting. Tell me, is SPC-169 located in the ocean? Dr. Swayze: Yes. Administrator: Is it larger than a dolphin? Dr. Swayze: [Audible sigh] Yes. Administrator: Does it have lots of pointy
parts that could potentially be dangerous? Then it’s a shark! This is entry-level sharkspotting; you really
should know better at this point. Dr. Swayze: Sir, with all due respect: by
that logic, sperm whales, orcas, and narwhals could also be called “sharks”. Administrator: …oh God, no.Following this meeting, an emergency initiative
was established for the investigation and immediate punching of SPC-170 (“Moby Dick
Sharks”), SPC-171 (“Free Willy Sharks”), and SPC-172 (“Sword Sharks?!”). Addendum 2 – Ethics Committee Review:Dr. Balboa: We’ve been going over the agenda
for Project Ahab, and I think we need to step up the lethality. Administrator: On what grounds? Dr. Balboa: If we were to punch this… shark,
and we did not kill it, I’m fairly certain its enraged awakening would potentially cause
irreversible damage to human civilization. Administrator: But would it be punched? Dr. Balboa: The human race would go extinct,
but yes, SPC-169 would be punched. Administrator: Look, whatever the fine print
says, our job is done once the fist is in the shark’s bitch face. Forgive me if I fail to see how the most punchable
shark in our organization’s history is generating so much nitpicking.

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